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©2018 Mike Chapman

Volume 1.14: 'Good Morning Citizen'

  Good morning citizen. Please do not be alarmed by this intrusion into your thoughts. Please also do not be alarmed by the pain in your chest. Your cybernetic medical implants, have detected a potential [aortic aneurysm] and are currently assessing your fatal potential.


  Here is some jazz to pass the time while we investigate.





  Commiserations, citizen. You have indeed suffered an [aortic aneurysm]. Your implants have calculated that it will become fatal in [three minutes and forty seven seconds]. Your death is, unfortunately, inevitable. Distress is entirely understandable. Please reflect on the following images while your death-management software loads.


A candle sputtering out.

A melting snowflake.

The tide washing away a sandcastle.


SoLongFarewell.exe has successfully loaded. If you reflected adequately on those images, you will be already coming to terms with your imminent demise. If you still feel alarmed, we advise you to put more effort into your death, to make it as enjoyable as possible.


  Thank you for choosing Charon Software to guide you through this unique and fulfilling experience: the market leader in the sensitive application of the thanatological sciences. You may be asked to complete an evaluation once this experience nears its conclusion.


  Please listen to the following music, whilst reflecting on your life of considerable personal achievement. If you have not achieved anything notable, try imagining that you were someone who did.



  That beautiful melody was [Waltz into the Sky]. If you would like to purchase the rights for your funeral for only [35] credits, please indicate this after the beep.




  You declined to purchase the rights to play [Waltz into the Sky] at any event related to your passing. Please choose from the following options to indicate why you declined this.


A – This is not my style of music

B – The cost of the music is too high

C – I've changed my mind; please charge me immediately for this beautiful music

D – I've changed my mind; please charge me immediately for this beautiful music


  Thank you for picking the correct option. Your bank account has been debited accordingly.


  Your implants have indicated that you have [two minutes and ten seconds] before your unfortunate passing. Many people choose to compose messages to friends and loved ones to communicate their most personal final thoughts. If you have no loved ones to communicate with, please feel free to let your mind wander during the next section but we strongly advise that you do not spend time reflecting on why you have no loved ones.


  Be advised: standard wireless messaging charges apply and no message may be more than 140 characters long. If you wish to purchase any optional extras, the costs are as follows:


Additional characters: 5 credits per 20 additional characters

Coloured text: 10 credits

Emoticons: 10 credits


  Unfortunately, your account has insufficient credit to send the messages in the manner you selected. Accordingly, only one message has been recorded: 'Dad, I'm sorry'. If you wish to open a credit account with us to cover the shortfall, this can be arranged but please do not worry: your next of kin will service this credit account after your departure.


  Congratulations on your new credit account. We are certain that your next of kin will be delighted at the favourable repayment rates that we will soon present them with.   Please wait while we record and transmit your messages.




  Your medical implants indicate that you have [ninety seconds] until you depart this mortal coil. You may experience emotions about this. Rest assured that this is completely normal.


  If you have religious faith, please spend ten seconds contemplating what it will be like to soon meet your god or gods. If you have no religious faith, consider whether you wish to change that stance. Charon Software plays no favourites with the world's many religions but consider that - out of this multitude - only one will be correct. Best of luck!


  You are now entering the last minute of your life, sponsored by Pacifica Watches. Nothing measures your final moments with the accuracy of a Pacifica watch. Why not use your dying breaths to tell any family members or friends nearby how well you have been served by the accuracy of Pacifica on your death bed?


  You have [forty-five seconds] remaining. Some people find guided meditation helps to make the transition a more fulfilling and pleasurable experience.


  Let's begin.


  Close your eyes. If your eyes are already closed or you lack eyes for any reason, please disregard this step.


  Think of a lake with trees next to it.


  It is a nice day with fluffy clouds.


  There are animals present: those ones that you like.



  You should now feel completely relaxed.


  You have [thirty seconds] remaining. Despite your wonderful feeling of inner peace, your thoughts will have turned to your commemoration, post-exit. We have a wide range of personalised t-shirts, mugs and stationery available for order.

  Thank you for your purchase, although we usually find our dying customers more keen to be remembered than that.

  Thank you for your amended purchase. The sum of one thousand, six hundred credits has been billed to your newly acquired credit account. Rest assured: these items are highly tasteful and will be delivered to your funeral for everyone to enjoy, along with the bill.

You have [five] seconds left. We will now leave you in peace with your thoughts.




  You're probably wondering why you are still alive. It seems that the chest pain was just indigestion or something and that you were fine all along. 

  Rejoice! You should feel delighted to be alive.

  Please note that all recent purchases are non-refundable.

  Enjoy the rest of your day citizen and, indeed, the rest of your life. Let all anxieties and thoughts of litigation fall from your mind as you stride happily and healthily into this beautiful day.

  Thank you for using Charon Software. Good morning!